again, again, again.

 On August 24th, 2015 my wife died of ovarian cancer. I was wrecked, and made some foolish decisions that lead me to today. In the depths of depression I started and completed nursing school, and started the grueling work of being an oncology RN at a large hospital. I put all my energy into that, every bit. There was very little left over for myself. Then in October of 2024, long after I had given up on love or finding anyone, or really doing anything other than working and possibly drinking myself to death, I was grabbed by someone special and made to love them.

Then, on June 7th she decided that she shouldn't be in a relationship, and that we should be just friends. I was, understandably, wrecked. I couldn't be just friends with someone I cared so much about, it would destroy me completely to see her without being able to love her. All of this coincided with other tragedies in my life to result in a breaking point. On June 23rd I drank with the intent of not waking up again, and lashed out at anyone I talked to, including the woman I was in love with.

Now I'm here, writing this blog with the intent of chronicling the climb back out of the hole that I put myself in. Because I did wake up, and everything is still as it was, and I'm presented with the options of struggling to push the boulder of my mind up this hill or to just....sit underneath it at the bottom of the pit and let things end.

So, now I rebuild again, again, again. I'm so very sick of rebuilding my life, but here we are.

This blog is intended to be a chronicle of the mental and physical changes and hopefully advances that I make. Pictures, a few maudlin posts about how hard all this is, and my mindless blather about exercise and life.